Mommy Guilt

So this post is not going to be all puppies and rainbows. I actually want to talk about a serious topic, mommy guilt. A lot of working mother feel this and understand it. I am just now starting to really feel it. You see, when I first came back to work I was actually somewhat excited to have some adult interaction, even though I dreaded being away from Riglee. I enjoyed that I had some control of my day and some time away from Riglee to enjoy on my own. I was able to go out to lunch with Kurt (without a screaming baby), I was able to go run errands or go grocery shopping alone while on lunch and it was really nice. It was always what I had expected and hoped for to find a work/life balance.

Around December I started to really miss being with Riglee. Around this time Riglee started to hit all these fun milestones. She found her feet. She rolled over once at daycare. She started sitting up by herself. She got her first tooth. She started rolling regularly. She is eating cereal. All of a sudden I got jealous that I wasn't the one with her while she is accomplishing all these amazing tasks. And while I absolutely love our daycare provider, I started feeling some sense of jealousy that my daughter is very happy when I drop her off at daycare. After all, Riglee spends more of her waking hours at daycare then she does at home.

And it just hit me, like a brick wall. I was suddenly wishing I was a stay at home mom. I had a really hard time going to work every day and finding purpose in what I was doing. I was desperately wishing we'd just win the lottery already so that I could spend time with my daughter. I'd feel guilty dropping her off every morning. I'd feel guilty that someone else is raising my child and I'm not there for my daughter all day. I'd feel guilty that I'd spend my days at work wishing I was at home with my baby girl. It is actually very confusing. Thankfully the holidays came so that I had a couple 3 day weekends to spend with Riglee.

I'm actually still having a hard time finding balance and being okay with not being with Riglee all day. I don't know if this feeling will every go away but I do know that I am going to work every day with purpose. I go to work knowing that I am working to provide a better life for my daughter and my family. It's tough being a working mother. Everyone said that it gets easier and I sure hope it does, or that I at least can find some balance.



The love of my life!